A Grateful Life Lived

As challenging as wedding seasons were during my years as a single woman, the holidays were more blatantly painful. Since I didn’t meet my husband until I was 26 (I had only one other relationship, a short-term one that had ended just before my birthday one year), I’ve spent the vast majority of Christmases without a plus one.

Was it hard? Sometimes, yes. Was it great? Also yes! Allow me to explain by sharing 5 ways you can love your single friends this holiday season.

1. Don’t Assume

Please don’t make me repeat the old adage involving a donkey. Assumptions aren’t helpful. Point blank. For starters, singleness is not bad. If you think so, take that up with God–who took on flesh as a single man here on earth.

I also need to point out that trends regarding relationships are significantly different than they were in decades past. Currently, 63% of men 18-29 and 34% of women, are single. According to this Pew Research study, 50% of those single folks aren’t interested in dating–casually or with commitment in mind.

I’m not a psychologist or sociologist, so I won’t (ahem) assume causation here. I will just summarize the data:

• Lots of young people are single
• Lots of young people want to be single

Your single friends may fall into both, one, or neither of these categories because (guess what?) we don’t fit into neat boxes. I beg of you: please don’t assume that your single friend is languishing or jubilant during the holidays. Instead. . .

2. Instead, Ask Questions & Listen!

As a single person, it can be hard to remember that your identity isn’t diluted during the holidays. I remember feeling akin to a conveyor belt once Thanksgiving rolled around–a convenient person upon which others could offload stress–marriage stress, kid issues, childcare needs, time-sucking tasks, and more. I was single, therefore I “didn’t have a life” Truly, some of those assumptions weren’t wrong, but that doesn’t negate the fact that it was my life to indulge, not someone else’s! If I wanted to sit in my pajamas at 5 p.m. watching The Princess Switch, I did. That didn’t make me trivial or childish.

I wish I’d known that my simple holidays were not less-than. It always felt like that.

Please, ask your single friends questions (and not just questions about their relationship status, I beg of you). Some helpful questions are:

• What are you looking forward to this holiday season? What are you wishing you could avoid?
• What will Christmas Day look like to you?
• Who are you excited to spend time with during the holidays?
• How would your perfect Christmas or New Year look?
• How can I pray for you during this season?

Ask questions and take time to listen. The absence of a ring on someone’s hand does not necessitate a Hallmark-esque intervention. Lay off the advice and listen.

3. Choose a Season of With

One of my favorite books, With, embodies its title well, as it focuses on the intimate connection God seeks to have with His children. Reading it was eye-opening because I was far more comfortable with the God who is above and before me; why would He ever want to be with me?

I asked that same question many times during my years of singleness (honestly, I still do). Why would anyone want to be with me? That question echoes louder during this time of year–a season that’s filled with so much idealizing, consumerism, and schmoozing. It’s a sweltering despair, and I don’t know any other way to combat it besides putting it to the test.

I’m infinitely grateful for the individuals who took me in during the holidays. . .

• Cookie-making with families who had young kids
• Dinner with Small Group leaders
• Holiday movie nights
• Girls’ nights & gift exchanges
• Receiving Christmas cards from families 

I’m also raw from two times that families promised to invite me over for dinner and never did. Why? Because those offers, and their fulfillment, made a huge difference to me. They reminded me that people did want to be with me; that I wasn’t unimportant or forgotten during the bustle of Christmas.

Loneliness echoes loudly during this time of year–a season that’s filled with idealizing, consumerism, and schmoozing.

How cool is it that we can give each other gifts like that? Single or not, we can do life with each other by inviting each other into our daily lives and into our families.

4. Celebrate

I miss singleness. Truly. It was equally full of joy and hardship, and I wish I’d known then that Hallmark movies are just as deceptively depressing when you’re married as when you are longing for a ring.

Friends can help absorb the ache–the longing to be known–during the holidays.

One thing you can do for your single friends this season is simply celebrate with them. Celebrate their uniqueness by giving a gift that shows you know them. Celebrate the fun festivities in a way they enjoy. See, when you are single, you might not have people who know your favorite Christmas movie or your preferred holiday drink. They might not know you hate ice skating, but love the lights at the zoo. Friends can help absorb that ache–taking the ideas from tip #3 and combining it with intentionality all year long. Be that kind of friend.

Conclusion

It’s hard to believe there was a Christmas season before Amazon Prime Day, luxury Advent Calendars, Christmas gift hauls, and family photos. Those things can be fun (a bit extra, in my opinion), but they won’t bring true joy. Just like that coveted toy that you finally received as a child, the thrill eventually fades. So it is with relationship statuses. If singleness and marriage are equally refining and laudable, then they ought to be celebrated and supported (marriage gets a lot more attention which is why this post is dedicated to singleness).

Jesus came to earth as our Emmanuel– God with us. Single or not, we are never alone. I want to be a voice that spreads that message this year and I hope you will join me!

Love,
Han