So I was having two simultaneous conversations last week. They went something like this:
Me: So, how have you been?
Katy: Oh I’ve been great! Really great! God is just, like, SO good! This week….
In my head: Ugh. My leg is aching again. Did I take Tylenol this morning? Drat, I didn’t write down what time I took it. And now I’ve got to wrestle with this pain again. Seriously, what does God want me to do to get Him to heal this? I’ve done just about everything I can!
Katy: …..you know what I mean?
Me: Uh. Yeah.
Katy: But it was a super busy week and…..
In my head: It’s been so long and I’m sick of reading about healing and hearing about healing. Won’t you just heal me already God?! I don’t deserve this. I’ve worked so hard. It’s all just down the drain now, all that hard work.
Katy: …..and so that was super crazy!
Me: Um. Yeah.
Katy: And I feel like I had so much on my mind and all these things and people I was praying for, and God was like: “Katy! Won’t you just come to me for me?” And I was like: “Woah, Lord! You are so right!
And that’s when my double conversation stopped. That’s when I realized exactly what I was doing. I was reducing God to just a wish-granter. I seriously couldn’t remember the last time I read scripture without the goal of finding something that promised God would heal me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d read 
my Bible without scouring each verse for some sign that God would heal me. In fact, it was as if I was looking for some hidden scripture that said: “Hannah, I’m going to do exactly what you want and here’s how it’s going to happen:”
In case you’re wondering: There’s no such verse.
Sure, I had tried pouring out my heart- like I wrote about a few weeks ago, HERE– but it always came back to my desires, “my will be done.” Turns out, that only leaves you grumpy and fearful 95% percent of the time.
For me, most spiritual breakthroughs come by way of gushing tears and my bedroom floor. But this time, I was sitting in my bed the night before vacation, thinking about my conversation with Katy. And I read the all-too perfectly timed scripture: Salvation belongs to the Lord. Your blessing is upon Your people.
I was looking for some hidden scripture that said: “I’m going to do exactly what you want. Here’s how it’s going to happen.”
I was praying for what was already there. And in the midst of reading Psalm 3, I realized No amount of prayer was going to magically change my circumstances. God is already for me, and while He loves it when we come to Him and petition, I was forgetting that His blessing is already on us. That never changes.
So while my physical state hasn’t changed or improved, my spiritual state has. See, when we start worshipping God for who He is- and not just what He does- He brings such immense joy into our hearts. This is the joy of the Lord that becomes our strength when we walk through trials that seem never ending, when we don’t know what the heck is going on.
Let down your guard. Stop trying to pray hard enough and get your way. God is already for you, friend. He wants you to actually talk to Him, be with Him, enjoy Him. Yes, pray for restoration in your life but let that be a talking point and not the foundation to your prayers. Let the Lord be your joy and strength. I promise you that He will NOT let you down when you let go of fear and surrender it to Him.
Love,
Hannah
A Grateful Life Lived 