We all want to be a part of something. It’s ingrained in our nature—a yearning to both stand out and belong within. As I have learned this year, these two seemingly-opposite desires go hand-in-hand.
I’ll never forget the thrill of walking into Egelhoff Sports in Columbus, Ohio. The store was synonymous with athletic achievement… it’s where we went to get my swim team bag embroidered, then my soccer bag, then my high school letter jacket. My parents dropped off that plain soccer backpack and it came back with my name emblazoned in yellow script—right below the emblem of my select soccer team. I’m not kidding when I say I wanted to bring the bag everywhere; the world needed to know I was a soccer player for the WASA Eagles!
Looking back, it makes sense. That black backpack—along with my uniforms—were markers of belonging. They helped me feel special by placing me within a group that held honor and respect: my soccer team. And that team provided stability and joy.
On the Outside
We revere the it girl—the one who vibrantly leads the pack; who doesn’t “get” attention as much as she commands it.
I always wanted to be that girl.
Lately, though, I’ve been struck by a sense of otherness that is alienating. I wonder, “How can I relate to others when I’m navigating such rudimentary stuff? Who is going to care about me?”
I’m sad to say that self-preservation has indeed been a focus for a long time. It is one of the reasons why my word for this year is “rooted.” If a boat can’t anchor to its own deck, surely a heart cannot secure safety in itself.
So that brings me back to this whole belonging thing. I’m honestly not sure how all these thoughts tie together, though, so keep that in mind. For the first time in a long time, I’m just kinda writing. . .and honestly, that unrehearsed existence feels daunting yet relieving. Life has overwhelmed me lately and the fact is: I don’t feel like I belong in or with anyone—not as a Christian, a wife, a professional, an athlete, or a daughter. But God.
See, research shows that we are more likely to step forward into non-conformity (i.e. going against the mold) when we aren’t the only one to do so. And here I’ve been, trying to validate my experiences by finding someone whose circumstances match my own.
Instead, I have belonging as a daughter of Christ—the One who set the example for nonconformity; who brings vibrancy to life not by fitting in, but by showing that true belonging is in Him.
I’m gonna be really honest in saying that I feel more like a newbie Christian than I ever have. These concepts dizzy around me and I still don’t like the idea of feeling left out or (worse) inadequate. But my hope and prayer during this season is for God to revise my definition of belonging; shifting my focus from belonging on this earth to belonging in Him.
I think back to my embroidered soccer bag—how carefully I treated it and how upset I got if a teammate plopped it in the mud. I remember thinking that soccer, and then running, would save me by showing I was someone special. Despite many role models demonstrating otherwise, it took a series of hard failures to adjust my understanding of who I am.
I think that’s still true, for all of us. We need to belong, but we occasionally need reminding that our sense of belonging is not going anywhere—because it’s not of this world. Some (like ME!) tend to strive for perfection. It’s the “earn it” method. But in reality, we don’t need to earn belonging nor are we held to a standard of perfection to make sure someone still sees us. As my dad so wisely put it recently: Perfection isn’t the standard. Obedience is.
Obedience to our values, at the most basic level. For a Christian, this translates to obedience to Christ. And dang, those words come with a free exhale. I don’t need to find belonging or validity or a team. I just need to take the next right step.
Maybe I’ll embroider my name on some of my belongings, while I’m at it. Can’t hurt, right? 🙂
Love,
Hannah
A Grateful Life Lived 
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