I’ll never forget the day I said goodbye to a good treatment friend and walked her out to her car–our arms full of artwork and binders. It was as if we were leaving summer camp, but we both knew that this was far more than a fun vacation; she had put in so much work. So had I. After a quick hug, she paused to wish me well, but her voice stalled as she searched for the right words.
“Listen…” she said, slowly and cautiously. “Just take a deep breath.” I looked to see her smiling at me like a big sister would. “You’re so uptight and rigid. You need to go to one of those smash rooms and you need to break some sh*t.”
I was too stunned to respond at first, but my surprise turned to shock and then to laughter. Rarely did it occur to me that others might see the tension in my life. I thought I’d been doing a pretty good job masking my inner ire. Plus, I’d progressed from my previously-staunch belief that I wasn’t angry at anything. A few things irritated me and had caused hurt, I could admit.
Standing by my friend’s car, though, I felt a longing to release that anger that I felt and others could see. I just didn’t know quite how yet.
Too many years of conflict had taught me that I ought to fight for what I can and shut up about what I cannot. So I shut up about a lot, burying it deeper and deeper as I went. While I’ve yet to go to a smash room (why are they so expensive!?), I have grown to better understand my emotions–especially anger.
“[Hannah], you’re so uptight and rigid. You need to go to one of those smash rooms and you need to break some sh*t.”
Turns out, there are things that cause me to feel angry–in my case, over twenty years’ worth. Those emotions cannot be vanquished by avoiding them, or even rebuking them in prayer–not if we don’t first acknowledging them and process what they mean. As a Christian, that was news to me (and a discussion far more nuanced than I have space for here). I’d only ever learned that anger was bad, 99 percent of the time. Realizing that I couldn’t and shouldn’t bury my anger was greatly impactful. It’s helping me heal.
As I continue to learn about anger and how to wade through its meaty grip, I want to share what I’ve learned. Namely, five tips for processing anger:
Self-Soothe in Moments of Crisis
Holding an ice pack or snow are well-known distress tolerance tools. The shift in temperature causes a shift in the parasympathetic nervous system. In other words: it helps your body calm the heck down. But did you know you can go a step further and utilize ice to release pent-up anxiety or anger?
When a friend shared why she throws ice when emotionally distressed, I tucked the knowledge away for the next freak out. Sure enough, chucking ice at a nearby brick wall was incredibly helpful–so much so, that I still utilize the practice when I’m able. Sometimes, I find that it pulls the plug on my emotions and I’m suddenly sobbing. Other times, I remain quiet but feel a sense of agency as I express my anger.
Throwing ice is just one tip to help self-soothe in the moment. There are other tactics such as punching a pillow, pressing your hands against a wall, or shredding paper. While the goal is to practice coping skills and radical acceptance, we all have moments of crisis when we’re unable to make such a leap and/or are at risk of hurting ourselves if we don’t redirect our energy. These are times when momentary self-soothing skills are vital.
Utilize Art
“Utilize” is such a crappy word choice here. We don’t use art. Through it, we are refined; our emotions liquify and cautiously surface. So, until I find a better word, just ignore that one and consider which art form helps you best express your emotions. For some, painting or drawing is helpful. Personally, I am drawn to writing and music. Whatever that medium is for you, make the oft-challenging choice to sit down and do that thing.
Sometimes, I don’t want to write. At all. But one sentence in and I’m suddenly in a flurry of feelings that span pages, leaking into my disposition even as they calm it.
What makes you sad? How does fear feel? What personifies your sense of grief? Get it out. Aside from the times I’ve written from a negative stance (I don’t recommend the prompt “Why I Hate Myself,” for the record), I find that writing is a fool-proof method for releasing anger and other challenging emotions.
Talk it Out
Let the record state that I am not a licensed therapist. I’m merely a gal who’s spent plenty of time and money on my healing journey. Therapy is a massive part of that journey, and it wouldn’t be possible without those who have professionally (therapist) and personally (friends, mentors, and family) who listen well.
Don’t just walk up to anyone and share your anger. Please don’t. But do find trustworthy individuals who are able to listen as you share. Doing so will help you feel less alone. It can also help you think about things in a new way or even feel a sense of calm. Please note, however, that processing hard emotions and memories can also stir up distress. If that happens, ride the wave and use those distress tolerance skills.
Release
There are many schools of thought on anger: Do we hold onto it? Forget? Forgive? Do we bottle it up for a bit of revenge? As a Christian, I am a strong proponent of forgiveness and boundaries (the two aren’t mutually exclusive and forgiveness doesn’t mean you wander back into a toxic relationship). I believe holding onto anger is damaging, and research confirms as much. So regardless of your spiritual beliefs, be warned that unprocessed anger isn’t in your best interest.
I recognize we might not share spiritual beliefs. We’re all in different places. Whatever releasing that anger means to you: pursue that. All I ask is that you allow yourself to approach forgiveness with some curiosity in your process.
I don’t usually like to speak at my readers too often. I needed to really explain this stuff, though. The goal is that you feel cared for, whether I’m writing bulleted items or wandering prose. In both cases, I’m writing from my ongoing experience.
Anger is something I’ve been learning a lot about lately, and that’s why it’s been a recent topic here on my blog. If you have questions or ideas on what content you’d like to see (related to emotions or otherwise), please let me know.
As always: Remember that you matter.
Love,
Han
A Grateful Life Lived 
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