What Does Life With OCD Look Like?

Have you ever completed a book annotation assignment in school? I did, most notably in high school. I still remember my color-coded system for annotating the 600+ pages of Steinbeck’s East of Eden. On the first day of school, my teacher was awed. I’m pretty sure he took a photo.

As proud of my annotating as I was (am?), I was surprised my efforts were seen as abnormal. Sure, I was a perfectionist with schoolwork, but I thought my classmates would have equally graffitied novels. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d worked that hard. I’d just done what my brain commanded. I’d made the conscious choice to work hard on the project, but I hadn’t made the choice to do it so particularly. Every time my brain saw a connection, thematic hint, or otherwise important detail; I had to jot it down.

This is some heady stuff. Feel free to browse as time permits.

My Experience with OCD

While I’ve been pointedly open about mental health on my blog, I’ve merely hinted at obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) before now. Why? A few reasons… Just as I’m careful not to glorify other mental health struggles, I am cautious that many OCD traits are desirable in our society. Early on, I didn’t feel equipped to handle such a weighty topic. Secondly (and most notably), I didn’t understand OCD as a part of my journey until a year ago.

Like many of you, when I thought about OCD, I pictured the stereotypical clean freak; the person who had to complete rituals just to leave the house–or they were scared to leave the house at all. To be clear, those are some people’s experiences. At the same time, that is a wild oversimplification. OCD, it turns out, encompasses much more.

Throwback to the early high school, English Lit days (featuring my childhood dog, Lily)

What most teachers, coaches, family members, and friends have affirmed in my life and in the lives of others, is, in reality, a biological disorder that hinders one’s ability to live. I simply had no idea.

Disclaimer Alert

Let me start with two basic disclaimers:

I am not an expert. I can only speak to my experience and what I have learned on my journey.
My words aren’t designed cannot quantify the degree of someone’s struggle or diagnosis. I’ll share a few examples, but they’re here to help you understand. Be cautious in interpreting them just as I am cautious in sharing them.

With that in mind, let’s dive in.

Basic Understanding of OCD

I want to get at the OCD that is behind all the medical/psychology jargon. At the most basic level, when someone has OCD, they experience thoughts that are intrusive and often repetitive. Sometimes, the thoughts are just that: thoughts. Other times, they involve a specific action (Ex. “I must go do…..”). From my experience, the common fear driving the action (aka compulsions) is that something bad will happen if the action is not completed–or if a thought isn’t considered/jotted down.

Imagine if someone told you, “Don’t think about pink owls.” Most individuals would immediately envision a pink owl. That’s normal.

What’s not normal is thinking about pink owls on a near-constant basis for the entire day (or longer).

Now do you see why I brought up my high school East of Eden assignment? It’s an example of a compulsive action: I felt like I had to make an annotation every time I read something. It scared me to not do so. That meant that my already-intense assignment turned into a 20+ hour project. Once I started annotating, I found that I couldn’t stop. I dealt with the same thing when reading my Bible, listening to audiobooks, and editing papers. But I never considered it abnormal.

As I said, though, OCD doesn’t always involve an action. Sometimes, there is a thought that enters one’s head that they don’t like but can’t get rid of. Imagine if someone told you, “Don’t think about pink owls.” Most individuals would immediately envision a pink owl. That’s normal. What’s not normal is thinking about pink owls on a near-constant basis for the entire day (or longer). That is a loose example of what an intrusive thought is like. It’s not a choice and it doesn’t merely go away. That makes these thoughts very challenging, especially since they often involve notions of danger, inappropriate topics, irrational fears, or the death of a loved one.

This song about anxiety and depression has become one of my absolute favorites.

These intrusive thoughts (aka ruminations) have impacted every area of my life…

Work, exercise, school, relationships, social interactions, my relationship with God, eating, problem-solving, decision-making, creativity, a focus (to name a few).

While others who do not have OCD can battle similar symptoms (which are also common in anxiety disorders), the stigma around OCD and rumination has rendered most of us silent. We walk around in a world where people joke about “being OCD” when they want things in a particular way. Think about it: how often have you or someone you know said, “I’m so OCD”? They are rarely saying this as a compliment.

I think this is a very accurate depiction of life with OCD.

The term OCD has been colloquialized, much as “bingeing” and “being bipolar.” While mental health should never be joked about in these ways, in the case of OCD, I understand why. Some of it has to do with misinformation and lack of awareness. A lot of it, however, is the result of a culture that affirms many OCD tendencies.

OCD in Our Culture

To be fair, we live in a society that encourages going with the flow. “Going with the flow” is nuanced, however. We’re told we should be relaxed and flexible, while also having immense self-discipline, (more on that in my last post). We should be chill and have an organized, Type A tenacity. In one breath, our world chuckles at high-strung individuals; in the next, it deifies their level of productive precision.

In one breath, our world chuckles at high-strung individuals; in the next, it deifies their level of productive precision.

Precision is challenging, no matter who you are, though. According to Fast & Company, humans have amassed enough data/information that if we wrote it all out 300 on 3-by-5-inch index cards and spread them out side by side, “just one person’s share of this information would cover every square inch of Massachusetts and Connecticut combined.” The heightened connectivity and information demands are overwhelming!

What if an individual was so “thorough,” so “self-controlled” that they were twice as productive as other employees? What if they were the uber-reliable friend, or never let things slip around the house? That would be the Ultimate Person, right?

Wrong. While we were created with unique and wonderful strengths, not all of the seemingly-positive traits are healthy. Many are built on the backs of anxiety or compensation; they’re healthy traits that start to raise their voices and scream for authority.

You may be naturally driven, but feeling the need to account for every hour of idle activity is not drivenness. That can be a symptom of OCD (and yes, it was a hellish reality for years of my life). You may be an intuitive, caring person; but intuitive, caring people aren’t compelled to check in on every loved one multiple times a week. That is anxious fear; that’s OCD.

The media absolutely highlights less-desirable OCD traits (see some of the common ones in the above images), but it’s important to know that other traits or behaviors are wildly accepted. To our detriment, we are encouraging behaviors that are frequently (though not always) the result of mental distress. No one is perfectly organized, productive, clean, fun, relaxed, and on-it all the time–not without consequences.

What Is the Solution?

While there is much to learn about OCD, researchers have made progress. They’ve discerned that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is very effective—specifically, the CBT concept known as Exposure & Response Prevention (ERP)—for those with OCD. CBT involves controlled, gradual exposure to triggers, much like someone training for a marathon would start by running a mile or two (not a perfect analogy, mind you).

ERP and related therapies are not the only options, either. Medication is a proven supplement to traditional talk therapy (i.e. seeing a therapist). For non-pharmaceutical-minded people like myself, the basic explanation is that many (but not all) depression SSRI medications are effective for treating OCD as they affect the balance of chemicals in the brain. This doesn’t make the intrusive thoughts disappear. What it does, however, is bring more clarity and strength to one’s distance from those thoughts.

Current data suggests that 1.6-2.5% of Americans have diagnosable OCD (I personally think it’s a bit higher). While that is a small percentage, most than half of people with OCD describe it as a significant impairment to daily life. Through psychotherapy and medication, though, it’s possible to learn coping skills and tactics for combating OCD flare-ups as they come. Left untreated, however, OCD can become increasingly pervasive.

OCD is a tag-along sibling in the world of mental health. It’s often co-occurring with depression, anxiety, obsession compulsive personality disorder, panic disorder, and (yep) eating disorders. We don’t know much about it though, and what we do know is cloaked in humor and assumptions.

On a personal level, that’s upsetting. We’ve colloquialized a challenging mental health disorder; part of me thinks that if we had not, someone might have gotten me help earlier in life. I can’t change that, but I can help explain what OCD is and how it manifests. I can spread awareness in hopes of shedding light on a struggle that you or a loved one may have now or in the future.

We’ve colloquialized a challenging mental health disorder; part of me thinks that if we had not, someone might have gotten me help earlier in life.

As I mentioned, I truly had no idea that the way my brain functioned for decades was crippling. It was all I knew, so I didn’t realize that life was unnecessarily hard. While I do find it hard to cope without OCD calling the shots anymore, the increased freedom this change has granted me to interact with life is remarkable.

What You Can Do

You may have been oblivious to what OCD was before reading this post. Maybe you had a rough understanding but were somewhat confused. Now you know the basics, and now that you do, you have a responsibility…

Stop using “OCD” as a label for organized/particular behavior, especially as it relates to behavior you’re ashamed of
Create space for others to express ways they are struggling–be a listener
Be bold to speak up in love if you notice that someone’s actions are repetitive or obsessive–it’s always better to speak up than ignore a possible opportunity to support someone else in their journey
Care for your mind, because OCD or not: we live in a demanding, intrusive world, and your brain matters

If this post has been helpful, please let me know. I would like to share a few more posts about OCD if so.

Love,

Han

A Grateful Life Lived