While I wish I could remember the moment, I can only recall the ones that led to it—frustrating and desperate seconds, now pounded into my becoming. Excavating these memories scrambles my brain. It’s why I’ve waited so long to internally and externally process much of my journey.
While my synapses fire new patterns these days, remembering threatens to bend reality… to shock me back to consistent depression, fatigue, coldness, and loneliness. Contrary to what our brains tell us, though, the best way to navigate the brutality of this life is to illuminate it as God leads. So here I am.
What Prevents Us From Returning to Who We Were?
It’s in the rearview glances—where I’m caught between who I was and who I am—that I have the deepest gratitude. While these memories and their impact on me can elicit panic, that panic is not as all-encompassing as it once was. The healing God continues to bring (combined with lots of therapy) tethers me to the present; it allows me to reach the tough stuff and not fall into the mire.
How have you seen similar growth in your thought life/faith?
Power of Christ in the Life of a Believer
One of my favorite passages in the Bible proclaims the confidence of the author that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6).
“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”
Phil. 1:6
Sometimes I worry I’ll “go back.” Other times, I long to go back—even shackles can feel like a hug when they’re familiar. But this verse reminds me that it’s not all on my shoulders. I can, as John Piper says, “keep trusting the One who keeps me trusting.”
That’s not easy, but it is simple. We can fix our eyes on Him, do our best to choose His ways and not our own, and watch as He continues the healing work He is doing in our lives.
Dedication Day
That brings me to the moment I referenced at the beginning. It was sometime in 2016 or 2017. After many ill-fated attempts at quitting my eating disorder cold turkey (it’s a mental illness, so that doesn’t really work, in hindsight), I came to God in agony.
I wanted to obey and discover life outside of my cage—tired of telling God I would “break free,” only to sink back against the metal grate in my heart.
So I opted for a different approach. Rather than promising God what I couldn’t seem to do, I would recommit my heart to Him. If nothing else, it was a gesture of remorse and remembrance. I feel hopeless, but I have hope. I knew there’d be no magical life change. But like a parent who dedicates a small child, I was reminding myself and the Lord that this fledgling sprout of hope was in Him alone. I kind of started it as a reflective day on my athletic abilities and a chance to surrender my definition of athletic success to God. What it became, however, was much more—particularly as I realized that my mental health was inhibiting my full enjoyment of my sport, my academics, my faith, and so much more. I kept seeing how I was falling short of my goals and I wanted to have a come-to-Jesus moment each year to remind me what those goals truly are and why I pursue Jesus above an eating disorder, athletic success, status, or anything else in this world.
Since my first Dedication Day on September 17, 2016 (or 2017), God has worked mightily in my life. I’ve embraced humility and asked for help to heal; I’ve drawn hard boundaries and rediscovered how to live; I have gone through refeeding, rewiring, and redefining myself. But I’ve also capsized on more than one occasion… where I thought I’d be nearly two years since being discharged from treatment is not where I am. It appears as a distant mirage; I feel tied to the identity and pain I’ve known and delusional to even consider a future without it.
AND… I’ve been in recovery for nearly 2.5 years now. With a few big lapses and a lot of tears, I am more rooted in Christ and dedicated to His purpose for me than I have ever been. Progress can move at different speeds, I’m learning. Ironically, I feel ridiculously slow for a change. 🙂 I feel ridiculously grateful, as well.
Will You Celebrate With Me?
So, on September 17 for the last 8-9 years, I have taken time to come to the Lord. We all need reminders to do this; to ask Him for guidance, strength, and a heart that is devoted to Him above all. While I’m far from perfectly devoted, God has continued to grow me through these years. Every year He has been faithful.
Honestly though, some years I’ve skipped it. I distinctly remember seeing the occasion on my calendar a few years ago and scoffing at such a nonsensical made-up “holiday.” I’m glad I didn’t delete it from my calendar!
If you are reading this: thank you. Thank you for investing in my life and the insane journey it is. I’m fully aware that it’s been really hard to be on Team Hannah at times. Thank you for sticking by my side and allowing God to work in me, in His timing. I also would guess that if you’re reading this, you probably care to a certain extent. Stellar. Caring is cool. As you reflect on these words, I invite you to celebrate Dedication Day with me this year!
Below, I’ve shared a variety of ways you can honor this day with me!
- Eat a food you enjoy but feel guilty eating (choose to celebrate your food freedom)
- Thank God for the different parts of your body (including the ones you struggle to appreciate)
- Deliberately choose non-body-focused compliments and practice using them
- Find some space to yourself, select a good bop, and mindfully dance around the room. Rejoice in your ability to breathe!
- Go a period of time without any movement trackers (i.e. phone, smartwatch, smart ring, or anything else)
- SMASH your scale (it’s doing nothing for you; weight is not health!)
I encourage you to try one or more of these. While you’re at it, maybe you can set a Dedication Day of your own! This isn’t some hyped-up altar call. A Dedication Day won’t magically fix you or your struggles. It’s merely a way to (1) demarcate your journey with intentionality and (2) recommit.
Let me know your thoughts. I’d love to hear them. Thank you, in advance, for celebrating my Dedication Day on September 17. I hope you set aside a day of your own, as well.
Love,
Han
A Grateful Life Lived 
Leave a comment